Feel the fear and do it anyway
My teachers took time out with me recently to talk about my practice and we got on to mind-body connections. This inspired me to write down some thoughts about fear. I feel truly blessed to have such supportive teachers in my life right at this very moment.
For the past year now I have been feeling the fear of dropping back into Urdva Dhanurasana from standing. Logically I know there is really no need for this fear. In terms of flexibility and strength I could drop back if I wanted. I know it. My teacher knows it. Yet for some reason I can’t seem to feel the fear and do it anyway.
When it comes to the point in my practice to drop back adrenaline starts to pump around my body, my heart beats faster and I suddenly perceive an imaginary lack of energy. Part of this adrenaline is the excitement of actually dropping back unassisted and part of the adrenaline is the fear of running out of energy just at the point of dropping back and collapsing, despite of course this never having happened! I’m also scared of the feeling of my palms making contact with the floor. Sometimes I retract my arms as I reach towards the floor, instead of embracing the contact of palms to mat. For me this asana is really about looking fear in the face and diving into it.
So where does this fear come from? I’ve been trying to explore it more deeply in the hope that I may be able to move beyond it.
I think my fear of a lack of energy, extends into a fear of lack of consciousness (I’m talking quite literally!), this fear of loosing consciousness could be seen as a fear of not being awake in the physical world (again quite literally, but with a nice metaphorical ring!) Is this fear then a manifestation of a feeling of separation? Separation from our true essence, however you choose to perceive this? This may sound a little over simplified (jumping from back bends to super-consciousness!), but this feeling of separation, in a convoluted way and covered up by many “head-held” excuses, rears itself in this asana time and time again. If I were to breath into this fear I’m sure it would (eventually!) dissolve and transform into a blissful and very connected flow…
By perpetuating my sense of separation and labelling this fear with an “excuse”, in my case “energy-lack”, there is also the fear of potential, of reaching my full potential (at least at this moment in time, in this particular asana). I’m perpetuating something by not feeling and breathing into this fear and going beyond. I am perpetuating a thought pattern, I’m perpetuating an image of myself. What is fearful about the fact that I could actually do a backdrop? Am I perpetuating the thought that I am not good enough? Not good enough to be able to do this? Is my fear then of being good enough, of life being actually really good … of being really blissful, flowing and connected … what would it mean for me if I dived into this fear and experienced its transformation …
If anyone has any experiences or thoughts to share on fear in their practice I would love to hear you. Namaste.
July 30th, 2008 at 7:02 pm
hi Laura – thanks for your comments about fear. I feel a lot of fear too – about dropbacks and headstands too, which both seem quite scary to me. For a time I couldn’t even do headstands against the wall, as although rationally I knew the wall was there, emotionally I didn’t trust it to be there.
So I think it really boils down to trust too – trusting that we’re not alone when we’re doing this but are supported all the time. I think de-dramatising things also helps: realising that falls and crashes aren’t so serious, and can even be quite funny!
August 2nd, 2008 at 8:30 am
The best way to overcome fear is to practise Backbending with the correct Vinyasa.
Most people are aware of the 9 Vinyasa for Surya Namaskara ‘A’. But I’ve found most people don’t seem to explore the correct Vinyasa for each posture as they progress along the practise. There is a very precise Vinyasa count for every posture. Diligent and consistent practise of Backbending according to the appropriate Vinyasa count will help overcome fear in all Backbending.
Lino Miele’s book is a very good resource as it documents the correct Vinyasa for all Primary and Intermediate postures.
doug
August 11th, 2008 at 7:36 pm
Interesting topic indeed.
It led me to think about fear in general and the supporting belief systems that grow up around the fear.
An example that I can think of relating to practice is:
Fear: practicing 5 days a week
belief: It’s too tiring
Shari very kindly pointed out to me that I hadn’t even tried! So my strongly held belief didn’t even let me get anywhere near to actually tackling the fear. It’s a really clear example of the power of belief influencing action – or lack of action in my case.
This faulty logic is the first stumbling block that needs to be overcome. So it was when someone challenged this belief system that I was able to see through it and actually do something about it.
So thanks to Shari for pointing it out and well done to me for actually making the change.
It has also turned out so far that I wasn’t nearly as tired as I thought I would be practicing 5 days a week.
I also recognize that what I fear nearly always doesn’t happen – something else does, sometimes worse and sometimes not.
August 15th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
Thanks for all the comments on this topic. I can certainly take something away from all of these ideas.
I definitely “dramatise” certain asanas in my head and fear falling and crashing when like you say Lousie in reality the fall may not be so dramatic and whose to say a fall would even happen … I once had a teacher who made me purposely flip over in head stand so I realised that my body would naturally bend and I would not snap or break my neck, the fall in fact was enjoyable, it felt quite acrobatic!
Learning the correct vinyasa is something I need to learn more about, in self-practice you don’t get that kind of teaching so it may well be that I could benefit from going back to a taught primary once a week or getting the book your recommend. It is only available in hardback at the moment, is it worth the investment Doug or does Yoga Mala, which is less expensive and in paperback give, the same kind of instruction?
In terms of belief systems Guy, I can totally relate to this, my belief system is stopping me from even giving it a go. Time to change my beliefs! It relates back to the “drama” point and also to the Ecstatic dance, … about just for this moment giving it a go (letting go, total surrender to the dance – or in deed to the asana) and seeing if you survive the experience … the chances are you probably will!
August 15th, 2008 at 6:52 pm
Yoga Mala is the definitive text as it is Sri K. Pattabhi Jois own definition of the practise. Long term it is the more rewarding read too. Lino Miele’s book is a useful reference with the information more plainly laid out and therefore easier to assimilate.
I believe John Scott’s book also lists the Vinyasa.
A good alternative, is to get Sharath’s Primary Series CD and learn the Vinyasa count from that.
A good place to start is by mentally counting the Vinyasa for Sun ‘A’ and Sun ‘B’. Once you can flow through these asana and ‘know’ where you are at any given point (without having to count again from the beginning) you will be able to work out the Vinyasa count for the next one. Pretty soon you’ll know the Vinyasa for every Asana you practise.
The following is a helpful starting point.
http://www.monkeyyoga.com/jois_english.html
doug