Feeling the pain

I never thought that I’d be able to come up to standing without having gone to Mysore – a strange notion I know, but I just sort of always assumed it was something that I’d do there. I’m planning my first trip at the end of this year which I’m very excited about!

Coming up to standing has been a long journey of over 5 years of early morning Mysore practice for me. I’m a 6ft man who is not naturally flexible or gifted when it comes to asana practice. I’ve also struggled with back pain during and after practice for years. It’s taken me a long time to work out how to use my upward dog so that I don’t feel a pinching sensation every time I do a vinyasa. A lot of this has to do with my shoulders, hip flexors and the curve of my spine. I’m certainly not out of the woods either. I still normally have back ache after practice every day. I know – I should just give up and do something else right? Well, that’s what my Dad says anyway.

Dropping back

In order to come back up to standing on your own you need to be able to drop back on your own first. Here are a couple of blog posts about my journey towards dropping back (seems like a lot of drama when I reread them!) The post Back again is all about the fear of dropping back and was written 9 months before I actually managed it successfully on my own. I did it! I dropped back written in August 2010 is very aptly titled and doesn’t need any further description.

The journey

20 months after first dropping back I managed to come back up to standing. That’s all with daily Morning Mysore practice. I seriously doubt I’d have been able to do it without daily practice – ever. It seems like a long time and the road has been anything but straight forward in terms of my practice. In this time I’ve suffered the worst back pain ever (yeah I know – stop doing it!) and at one point I was reduced to just being able to do 1 sun salutation and having to build my practice up one posture at a time – after 5 days I was doing the standing sequence again. During this time my faith was tested to the point where I seriously considered giving up and even discussed quitting with my teacher.

Coming up

In January 2012 I began dropping back on my own again after spending many months building up my strength and stamina with consistent daily practice and really working on my Urdhva Dhanurasana, making sure I was in no pain when doing my back bends. The big day was on Wed April 4th that I came up to standing after my 3rd drop back for the first time. On the second drop back I surprised myself by pushing up and leaving the floor – then came crashing down – I was so surprised. Something felt different – up until that point I’d been dropping back and then pushing with all my might but not being able to get my hands off the floor no matter how hard I tried. So on the final one I really went for it and came up with a little step back. Not pretty but I was up! Hannah and Nicky who were practicing next to me both witnessed it and gave me a little cheer. My legs were shaking with adrenalin and I felt breathless with excitement!

What changed?

I suspect that there’s been an opening in the front of my body – my chest, shoulders and or hips which has meant that my hands are slightly closer to my feet when I drop back but it’s not something that I was aware of.

Show me that again

The next day I was wondering if I’d be able to do it again – and I did 3 times in a row. I’ve heard it said that if you can do a posture 3 days consecutively then you’ve nailed it. The moon day fell on a Friday so we had two days off before I got a chance to try it again.

I managed to come up first attempt and twice more in a row on Sunday which was really good – especially after 2 days off.
I’ve been able to do it each day since – sometimes crashing down on the first attempt but then getting it, sometimes staggering back but still doing it.

What next?

I’m working towards keeping my heels flat (a few more years for me – I think on that one!), not taking a step back, and then finally dropping back and coming up with the correct vinyasa count: exhale – drop back, inhale – come up, exhale -drop back, inhale – come up etc… without any extra breaths in between. So lots still to work on there!

Well done

I have to say it’s an awesome feeling coming up from drop backs and I also feel like I now have a complete primary series. Of course still lots of opening and improvement/refinement to come but it feels like I have all the bits of the puzzle in place now. I’ve actually been really surprised by the whole experience – trying to drop back was such a drama and I was sort of expecting the same thing with coming up – but it’s all happened so suddenly.

Keep going

If you’re working on this yourself or if dropping back seems impossible – just don’t give up. One day you’ll surprise yourself too!

This last week on the second day of the new lunar cycle (Wed 11th August) I dropped back on my own 3 times. 9 months ago I was really struggling with this – You can read all about it here.

Overcoming the fear of dropping back is without a doubt the most difficult obstacle I’ve had to embrace and work through in my practice. In fact if you’d have said to me 4 years ago that I’d be able to drop back unassisted I’d have laughed at you. About a year ago teachers started telling me I was ready to do it but after a few attempts (landing on my head) I seemed to get stuck. I simply didn’t believe that I’d ever have the flexibility to do this seemingly impossible feat.

Recently my teacher Sarah has been gradually increasing the pressure, weaning me off the assisted drop back and only breaking my descent at the last second. Finally this week on Wed we were standing toe to toe and she gave me an encouraging little pep talk, telling me that I’d done the work and that I wouldn’t hurt myself. I didn’t feel I had an option to not at least attempt to drop back – even if just to prove her wrong by landing on my head… But to my surprise I didn’t. Sarah let out an excited whoop when she’d helped me back to standing. I was quite stunned. Then I did it two more times. I just did it without thinking.

Now, one of my fears about dropping back is that I would be able to do it once and somehow not be able to repeat it. So I was a little nervous the next day at practice. I also wanted to be sure that I could do it on my own without having my teacher’s support. In a way I felt like I didn’t quite trust or believe what had happened and that I still couldn’t do it without a teacher standing right next to me. But again I did it without any assistance 3 times. I began to feel a little more confident. Maybe, just maybe I thought, I can actually drop back now!

It was really after this second morning that I began to allow myself a sense of achievement. Of course successfully dropping back means that I’m now faced with learning how to come back up again on my own! But right now I don’t care. Nor am I a better person because I’ve dropped back unassisted, but right now I’m just damn proud of myself that I’ve persisted when I felt a seemingly insurmountable task lay ahead.

So a big thank you to all the teachers that have encouraged me along the way – Sarah, Shari, Nick & Hamish. But most of all a big dollop of gratitude must go to my partner Hannah who has patiently put up with my almost daily complaining for over a year.

Right now my practice seems to be focused on trying to drop back unassisted. I reread Laura’s great post “feel the fear and do it anyway” and all the comments written back in July 2008. Doug made some really useful comments about the correct vinyasas, and I’m sure Santa will be getting me Lino Miele’s book.

Reading back over the post and boy can I relate to those feelings of fear. I also made an infuriatingly reasonable comment at the time which seems unattainable just now. A few weeks ago I attempted dropping back unassisted and landed on my head, not once but twice. I also managed to hurt my wrists doing so. If it’s “once bitten, twice shy” then it seems “twice bitten, thrice shaking with fear” applies in my case.

I’m getting to around Supta Kurmasana and beginning to experience fear about the approaching back bends. I also notice my tendency to focus on the negative in my practice. So it’s worth noting that my wrists which were causing me such pain for weeks are feeling much stronger and my energy levels during the practice are good. When I’m feeling a little cheeky I like to do a little jump back and a little jump through when I’m doing my vinyasas.

Back bending is about opening the heart and opening the heart is not happening while fear is happening (to be read in an Indian accent). This week has been rather difficult besides the full moon, I missed practice on Monday due to a user error with my new GuyPhone, Tuesday’s practice felt great until back bends where I was grunting and groaning while trying to drop back on my own and then shouting out F*&ck! as I came up from my assisted drop backs with Nick. Shameful behaviour in a sacred space I know, but the word just erupted from my chest.

During and afterwards my legs were shaking and I was in tears at one point. If my breathing is anything to go by then I appear to be pushing too hard. At the same time I’m aware that my fear seems to be the obstacle that I need to overcome. Nick seems pretty convinced that physically I’m capable of dropping back unassisted. I’m just having a little trouble proving his theory.

I’m also really struggling with my own sense of frustration, frustrated by my own fear and not having achieved a particular goal. On the other hand what happens after one can drop back and come up to standing unassisted? Does wealth and happiness come? I doubt it. Life will be much the same and my mind will be much the same. In fact besides a very few yogis and my partner none else even knows or cares about my back bends.

Let’s not leave out my competitiveness either while we’re at it – David successfully dropped back and rose up from his mat to standing a few weeks ago. Impressive stuff! Beate dropped back for the first time this Tuesday Congratulations! I did a little clap when I saw it too! But there’s a little whiny voice in my head going: “but what about me?”. I know, I know, it will come. “Practice, practice and all is coming” a wise man once said.

So here I am wondering how the hell I’m going to accomplish this seemingly impossible feat. I’m reminded of Bhavani Maki’s words at a recent workshop “Yoga is the process of the impossible becoming possible”. I’m just hoping that faith is NOT required, as I’m scratching around for it at the moment. persistance I can do, turn up and get on the mat I can do. Breathe during backdrops? Well that’s a work in progress like the rest of my practice and life.

POSTSCRIPT: 9 Months later I dropped back! Read the post here.