Back again

urdhva dhanurasanaRight now my practice seems to be focused on trying to drop back unassisted. I reread Laura’s great post “feel the fear and do it anyway” and all the comments written back in July 2008. Doug made some really useful comments about the correct vinyasas, and I’m sure Santa will be getting me Lino Miele’s book.

Reading back over the post and boy can I relate to those feelings of fear. I also made an infuriatingly reasonable comment at the time which seems unattainable just now. A few weeks ago I attempted dropping back unassisted and landed on my head, not once but twice. I also managed to hurt my wrists doing so. If it’s “once bitten, twice shy” then it seems “twice bitten, thrice shaking with fear” applies in my case.

I’m getting to around Supta Kurmasana and beginning to experience fear about the approaching back bends. I also notice my tendency to focus on the negative in my practice. So it’s worth noting that my wrists which were causing me such pain for weeks are feeling much stronger and my energy levels during the practice are good. When I’m feeling a little cheeky I like to do a little jump back and a little jump through when I’m doing my vinyasas.

Back bending is about opening the heart and opening the heart is not happening while fear is happening (to be read in an Indian accent). This week has been rather difficult besides the full moon, I missed practice on Monday due to a user error with my new GuyPhone, Tuesday’s practice felt great until back bends where I was grunting and groaning while trying to drop back on my own and then shouting out F*&ck! as I came up from my assisted drop backs with Nick. Shameful behaviour in a sacred space I know, but the word just erupted from my chest.

During and afterwards my legs were shaking and I was in tears at one point. If my breathing is anything to go by then I appear to be pushing too hard. At the same time I’m aware that my fear seems to be the obstacle that I need to overcome. Nick seems pretty convinced that physically I’m capable of dropping back unassisted. I’m just having a little trouble proving his theory.

I’m also really struggling with my own sense of frustration, frustrated by my own fear and not having achieved a particular goal. On the other hand what happens after one can drop back and come up to standing unassisted? Does wealth and happiness come? I doubt it. Life will be much the same and my mind will be much the same. In fact besides a very few yogis and my partner none else even knows or cares about my back bends.

Let’s not leave out my competitiveness either while we’re at it – David successfully dropped back and rose up from his mat to standing a few weeks ago. Impressive stuff! Beate dropped back for the first time this Tuesday Congratulations! I did a little clap when I saw it too! But there’s a little whiny voice in my head going: “but what about me?”. I know, I know, it will come. “Practice, practice and all is coming” a wise man once said.

So here I am wondering how the hell I’m going to accomplish this seemingly impossible feat. I’m reminded of Bhavani Maki’s words at a recent workshop “Yoga is the process of the impossible becoming possible”. I’m just hoping that faith is NOT required, as I’m scratching around for it at the moment. persistance I can do, turn up and get on the mat I can do. Breathe during backdrops? Well that’s a work in progress like the rest of my practice and life.

POSTSCRIPT: 9 Months later I dropped back! Read the post here.

6 Responses to Back again

  1. David Huggett 2nd December 2009 at 9:44 pm #

    All i would say here is 8 yrs, before I dropped back and came up again. At the moment its all a strugggle and when I walk away knackered with a full days work ahead of me I remind myself ,that was real yoga, not the days when I fly through it feel strong, flexible and energised.
    I could say your practice is wonderfull ( and it is ) but does it matter…

  2. gstar
    gstar 2nd December 2009 at 9:53 pm #

    Hey David,

    Thanks for your wise and kind words.
    Your sense of perspective is really helpful and appreciated!

    x G

  3. Laura 3rd December 2009 at 8:54 pm #

    hi guy, i have loads of empathy for what you’re going through with backdrops, and cheers alot for making me read my old post, which made me feel well uncomfortable, how serious i was about my practice …. i’m not so serious now and things are easier because of that, i love it more now. And like you said what comes after back drops???? my fear hasn’t gone away its just transfered onto different postures, but maybe now i can look it in the face a bit more for having gone through it. btw i love dropping back now, who would have thought it 17 months later after writing all that, i’m waiting for the post when you say the same, i don’t reckon its that far away….

    • gstar
      gstar 4th December 2009 at 4:56 pm #

      Hey Laura,
      thanks for commenting… It’s interesting how the website shows the passage of time. Everything changes, eh? On a lighter note, it turns out Santa won’t be bringing Lino’s book. She checked the price on Amazon and it costs £31! nevermind, I’m just glad it’s rest day tomorrow!

      X G

  4. happyyogi 4th December 2009 at 5:40 pm #

    hey guy! just popped on to see what’s going on so i thought i’d say hi.

    just one comment…faith…is required.

    it is the only requirement. true faith is believing or even knowing when all else fails…when you have nothing to grasp on to…knowing that all of this…the questioning and desiring and grasping in itself…is the answer….is the process and the journey…very humbling…all of it is the yoga. and that is the fun of it! having faith so the struggles become less because you know, in the end…you are taken care of from a greater source…you are experiencing exactly what you are supposed to. and if you are very quiet and listen to what your body is saying…you will understand it all and then be able to let go. jai!!


  5. gstar
    gstar 9th December 2009 at 9:52 pm #

    Hey happyyogi!

    Do I say Aloha? Some seriously profound commentary there. Thanks.

    I guess letting go is not something that comes naturally… Reading back over my post and it certainly seems like I’ve been having a tough time of it recently. I’m glad I don’t feel like that every day and today despite a rather trying practice I still feel pretty peaceful.

    Hope you’re well and enjoying some sunshine – we sure ain’t here in Brighton.

    x G

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